muhsanahmedkhan[AT]gmail.com (replace [AT] with @), 5 St Matthews Court, Tontine St, Swansea SA1 1NA, 07652 457276.
Saturday 6th December 2025:
00:04am: Okay so I am loading three videos here. The last video (the one at the bottom) is the one I did 2 months ago of me doing an energy clearing meditation where I clear my energy body of invasive energies. These are energies that people generate that either 1) cause mental or emotional distress, 2) seek to kill me psychically or emotionally, 3) seek to block and steal my energy or 4) seek to confuse or delude or stop me doing what I am doing (helping others overcome oppression). I do this meditation at least four times a day for half an hour, and I also do it one or two more times daily but for a shorter period of 10 or 15 mins. I have to do this, I have no choice, these energies will overwhelm me otherwise. It’s important to understand that what you see in this video is me fighting for my life, and that as I clear my body of these energies so too do some of those in your’s and Sharon’s milieu change, as they will no longer be masked by my stolen energy and so their true face will slowly be revealed and the projections withdrawn, and as that happens your natural bonds with me are also restored.
The second video is a clip from a Jason Bourne film that shows two men fighting to the death. That is what you see in the video of me doing a clearing meditation. It is a fight to the death with one or more other peope who steal my lifeforce. Strangulation is akin to depriving someone of life force. The abusers in yours and Sharons and Stacey’s life have built a life on stealing my energy, and now I am claiming it back. They are trying to deprive me of my own lifeforce and I am claiming it back. it is a fight to the death.
The first video, the one at the top, is me giving a bit of an introduction and explanation of the lastt video at the bottom of me doing a clearing meditation. It’s worth listening to.
Last words on the last video, the one at the bottom: take a good look at my shirt at the start and then at the end where I show you the sweat, and look at my body when I take my shirt off and how covered in sweat it is. That shows you that the exertion is real. I guess it could be that I have had all the radiators on and so started to sweat. If you want to be skeptical I guess you can and it’s hard for me to overcome that, but overall I think it is clear that I am doing something here that is not within most people’s experience xx
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QkQ7JU0IZ5X9eBZ_lP1Lf4aFS0mkc3ja/view?usp=sharing
Note: please do not share the video below with anyone. I do not want anyone else to see it.
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rNnqrvDWINg9Z5nS_l5sgpQYnnci_Bl-/view?usp=sharing
10:33pm: In other news, I managed to eat a cabbage tonight for dinner. They’re not huge cabbages but it is a good portion to eat in one sitting, and I think I will keep that up each day for the next week, just steam one each day and eat it. It was pretty damn tasty. Got three different cabbages, don’t know their names but one is cone shaped, one like wrapped up like a ball, and the other the classic open, rough leaved cabbage.
Will start recording that video in about 20 mins so probably won’t get posted till about half eleven.
Mosquito Squadron by the way is famous for its epic aerial combat sequences which George Lucas copied and used in the original Star Wars film in the turret sequences for the Milleniun Falcon and the combat sequences during the Death Star battle, all of which probably means nothing to you as I suspect you have never seen Star Wars! It’s a must see film xx
10:16: Just finished dinner. Still eating the turnip curry I cooked on Thursday along with the carrot curry. I’m going to post the video I did a couple of months ago of the clearing meditations I do, but before I do so I want to record a video explaining what it is and why I do it. I should say that I am quite nervous about what you’ll make of it but overall I think it’s important for you to see as it validates what I am saying to you. Or at least it will give you something to think about.
Film I am watching tonight is Mosquito Squadron. I really like films about the second world war and bought a couple of DVD’s in Ulverston so this is the second.
6:42pm: Just been watchng the anarchist praxis I video I did for you and the one I did for Sharon as I want to do one for my social change site before I move on to doing the anarchist praxis II and III videos. I was hoping I could just edit and share the one I did for you rather than doing a new one as that one was really good, but it has too much personalised content in it so in the end I just watched it to refresh my mind on the main points and will record a new video later for my website. In fact I am thinking I will start doing video messages instead of written blogs as they are far more engaging and don’t take as much time. As I sai before i think the ero of writing loads of blogs is finsihed with and now I am moving on to more engaging video content, so I think the site is going to evolve and perhaps change quite radically as I adapt it to that end. I feel this is something that you are going to be really interested in and I wish I could talk to you more about it, but I will share the video when I’ve done it, which may be tonight, will see. Just gonna do a clearing now then train then shower and eat and will see how much time I have left after that. Still really feeling the love from you. Got lots of good feedback on my pics which I shared on whatsapp so felt happy about that xx
4:45pm: Some pics from the festive meal last night with Tir Awel. The person crouched down at the end of the table in the first pic is Lauren xx
3:19pm: Just off out to post the ebay parcel. The river this morning was still in spate, and the current was such that you couldn’t make any progress against it so it was basically a kind of swimming treadmill. Wasn’t so strong that it would drag you away with it though.
I found that video of me doing a clearing meditation so I will post that tonight along with an introductory explanation xx
11:28pm: It’s important to be true to the heart I think xx
11:19am: Just love this unplugged version of this song. Such a beautiful sentiment xx
9:56am: Getting hit a lot night and day by this disgusting energy that I believe is generated by Sharon’s abuser. It’s like a disgusting thick mass around my lower body that stifles my energy, sexual or otherwise, and interferes constantly with my mind and body. Really profoundly invasive and abusive. I can get rid of it but it takes a lot of effort and because I am being overhwelmed with it at the moment I can’t totally get rid of it. Just about to do a clearing meditation now to expel as much as I can. I’ve been looking for that video I made of me doing a clearing meditation but I can’t find it. Not sure where it is but will keep looking for it as I want to share it with you xx
Friday 5th December 2025:
11:49pm:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1nhAqZzwnEqrFqfWIkpp_8HwmaAu1ghlm/view?usp=sharing
10:48pm:
The Man Who Cried:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1v2dKv7i8j7Uq_qjkSQgKoVTZqTQvViH0/view?usp=sharing
9:48pm: Hey I’m back, just got in. The meal was awesome, about 40 people and the food was oustanding, all the veg that we harvested on weds. They had a local male choir come in too and do some carols which was also awesome. A really good night, nice to connect with a few people. I left a bit early as I wanted to get back to connect with you. It’s true, I didn’t connect with you before I left as I was a bit busy and I felt it, and so I really wanted to get back. I mean I stayed till the end but after the food was eaten and the choir gone people were still loitering and there was a train at 9pm and the next one wasn’t till 10pm so I left at that point to get the 9pm train. Got lots of leftovers in tupperware too which was cool.
I made an audio recording on the train that I am just converting to mp3 and will then upload in about half an hour. I talk about the film The Man Who Cried, one of my favourite ever films, which has a narrative that fits our situation. I was the unofficial photographer for the meal tonight so I ‘m just gonna upload the photos and share them on whatsapp, and then I’m gonna do a video message and talk about this and a few other things. I think the film is a really powerful way of explaining the injustice done to me, to us both, and what it is I am trying to address with you, Sharon and Stacey xx
1:56pm: Just about to start my second clearing of my energy body of the day. Here’s the audio from this morning xx
Energy hitting me this morning:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HGSHLGZAEIGi06iTbOm9yWvTk3r_R15Z/view?usp=sharing
1:17pm: Good news this morning was that I got an email from Lumpen asking for my bank account details and address so they can pay me and send me an authors copy of the latest issue. So hopefully that money will come asap, I will tell them I desperately need it and to pay me asap if they can, will be great if it does come in the next few days. River this morning was almost back to its normal height, weather very cold wet and windy.
Got another veg box from Lauren this morning from all the spares from the veg she orders in. A really good box: lemons, limes, pears, carrot, cabbage, another squash :-), leeks, potato, spring onion, beetroot, kiwi, suede, peppers. Very happy with the peppers and another squash. A really cool box. I’ve got 5 cabbages now from the last few days so gonna have to figure out how to eat them, they tend to last so no rush. Might try a cabbage curry,. I’ve never cooked one myself but have had them cooked for me and they are really tasty, so will look up a recipe on the internet.
Just converting the recording I did this morning to mp3 and will upload in half an hour.
Have I told you how much I love my bread? Really, I woudn’t want to eat any other bread, that is how much I love it, it’s the best! xx
11:16am: My favourite song at the moment, playing it a lot every day. Find it really motivating and uplifting. You, Sharon and Stacey are my ‘mission impossible’, should I ‘choose to accept it’… xx
10:19am: Got up about 9am this morning, bread is rising in the kitchen and just cleared up a little. Got hit by about four different energies so recorded a short message about them that I will post here later this morning. Full Moon was last night around 11pm so the energy of that is still very strong. Gonna do my morning clearin meditation now then clean and smudge the flat, train, go for a jog and swim, have breakfast, do another clearing, then the day begins. Will focus on phoning the Liverpool police to get my stuff back and then get the train to Llanelli at 4:30pm for the festive meal with Tir Awel which starts at 6pm. Will post the recording in an hour or so xx
Thursday 4th December 2025:
11:55pm: Just uploaded the video message below. I won’t be able to post one tomorrow as I will be at the Tir Awel festive meal and will be back late but will send you a message when I get back in around 11pm xx
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/19a0XKG13IZzgH_GD9JcifcAAuZKoW0dX/view?usp=sharing
8:14pm: Just upoading the audio recordings I made at Big Meadow today. I plan to talk about this again in a video message after dinner xx
On abusive relationships 2:
On your repression of feelings for me:
Final thoughts on abuse dynamic:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T4W1OnAuAB9SdC_Qkd57SaDk2cKS4NVF/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sBab2sT_pOR3nB2uYkGpELy5U7n1lwrU/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJVNI5_upI79wcuSTUGBRbB3pzQ68YJY/view?usp=sharing
7:01pm: It’s full Moon and I find the song Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos running through my head and causing me to cry. I’m not sure why but it’s got something to do with the whole prison theme that has been coming up and some part of me finding a voice to express what they did to me and the inustice, the outrageous racial injustice. Like much of Public Enemy’s output it’s a track that really powerfully resonates with me but doesn’t ususally make me cry, but tonight I keep crying listening to it so something is stirring within me after a lifetime of oppression from my prison experiences as a child.
It’s such a powerful Public Enemy song, probaby their most famous alongside Rebel Without a Pause. Tricky did a really good cover of it in the 90s. Worth checking out the first verse if you’ve not heard it xx
6:32pm: This is what I brought back from Big Meadow today: squash, spinach, salad, kale, onion, garlic, celeriac, leeks, chard, coriander. Pretty cool, really happy with it all! Will cook the turnip and cauliflower tonight curried with the spinach, chard and coriander. Really looking forward to it as I love turnip saag. Will be about another 45mins before I can upload the recordings I did earlier, takes ages converting them to Mp3. Still really feeling a strong loving connection with you which is super cool. Full Moon tonight in a few hours time so that is probably spotlighting it. Saw the Moon rise earlier, was stunning xx
5:35pm: Just got back in. Got to unpack and then sweep and smudge the flat then will upload a few recordings I made earlier and a photo. I definitely plan to do a video tonight as it’s full Moon and I have a few things to say that have come up xx
7:26am: Just about to cook chappatti for breakfast then head out. Will message again when I get back xx
Wednesday 3rd December 2025:
11:25pm: Still feeling a really strong loving connection with you. Started yesterday and has continued all day today. It’s pretty awesome and I wonder if you feel it too?
I wanted to say more about the ‘On abusive relationships’ recording below, so will do so in a video message but I wont be able to record it now until Saturday. I may get the time tomorrow night after getting bck from Big Meadow but Friday night is the festive dinner with Tir Awel which I am going to so if I’m not able to do it then then it wil be Saturday xx
11:22pm: Okay I’m off to bed. Will message you in the morning before I head off but otherwise I won’t be able to post till I get back, and I’m usually a lot later getting back from Big Meadow. Bonne nuit xx
10:22pm: I’m not going to be able to do a video tonight as I need to get to bed early as I’ll need to be up at 6am and am aready pretty tired so wanna make sure I get plenty of sleep.
Audio recordings I made on my phone on the train home today:
On abusive relationships:
On murderous threat:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Bmyc2V-KKOCz3Y_m4NB2D2CGCmcxkiJm/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1M52nXCCX92SU_BihqPCSU27_bM4S7187/view?usp=sharing
8:55pm: I’ve cooked the vegetable stew for lunch tomorrow and Friday, its tasty. Great that it was all mostly in the ground this morning :-). Just heating that dhaal I made a couple nights ago now for dinner with rice, chappatti and sprouts, and the remainder of the macaroni pud from yesterday as afters.
I have transferred the two recordings I made on the way home on my phone by the way and will upload then after I’ve had my dinner xx
6:18pm: The veg from Tir Awel and a giant carrot! I actually got three giant carrots but this one was the biggest. Cooking carrot pud tomorrow with them. As far as the veg is concerned the best prize were the turnips which had self seeded in a corner of the field. Haven’t had any turnips this year so was happy with that. Will get some spinach and coriander from Big Meadow tomorrow and make a curry with them. Turnip curry is one of my favourite meals. I was also quite happy with the parsnips and suede and will cook a vegetable stew tonight with them along with potato, leek and brown lentils for lunch tomorrow and Friday xx
6pm: The two recordings I made today. I did make a third but had to do it on my phone and can’t transfer it as my phone is playing up but I will talk about it in a video message tonight xx
Morning thoughts on last nights video:
General chitchat from Tir Awel:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DnkFXrp6gADKD8QqYEXZEUEaBSmdD51J/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KR_k1hTeAxlKj2AvKsN0uY56yAW_Hpjz/view?usp=sharing
5:12pm: Just got back in. Really cold and busy day with interspersed light showers. Really enjoyed it though. Going to sweep and smudge the flat now as I didn’t get a chance to do it this morning, then I will upload a couple of recordings and a pic of the veggies, which includes two of the biggest carrots ever, they’re huge! 🙂 xx
08:38: Just off to Tir Awel so won’t be able to post anything until I get back around half 5. Gotta rush out for the train now! xx
Tuesday 2nd December 2025:
23:59pm: Wanted to keep it to 15mins but the subject matter just came out of me. I wasn’t expecting to talk about it but suddenly it all came out and I didn’t want to stop as I don’t have any platform to talk about this so it felt important to carry on with it xx
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/10uUB5o2l5rDajblMKbh6pQ7PelMmaAho/view?usp=sharing
10:44pm: Just about to record a short video now and post it. Will aim to keep it to 15mins! xx
9:02pm: Just about to sit down for dinner which is a classic sausage and mash with tinned peas, steamed carrot and cabbage and fried onion and chilli topped off with gravy and some tomato puree as a ketchup. Macaroni pudding as pud and am still watching The Guns of Navarone.
Been really feeling the love from you today and also felt that you are not going to turn your back on me, I heard you say it. Just my imagination, a schizo hearing voices? Or a sensitive soul that picks up on stuff, including dodgy stuff from malevolent or mischievous sources? It felt real xx
6pm: Thought you might like to see my list of convictions that came with my sentencing report for the Stacey arrest. Not too long but goes back a long way. I actually got arrested four times in activist direct actions but in three of them the cases were thrown out of court for various reasons. I note that it lists the aggravated burglary offenses as 30 months each, when in fact I got 4 years. Similarly the later burgary charges I got 18 months for. Seems to be a mistake.
Can add a stalking charge onto all that now which along with the sexual assault charge does not cast me in a good light and is not something I’m happy about but then I’m not happy with any of it really, it is all totally unjust. The sexual assault charge says ‘intentionally touch a female’ when I didn’t touch her at all and she never made any allegation that I did touch her! Just like the stalking charge – I haven’t been stalking anyone! The law is a total ass – it makes up charges that do not relate to what actually happened. I did not stalk Stacey and neither did I touch any female yet I have been sentenced for doing both. I’ll talk about this a bit in my video tonight as every single charge on that sheet is totally unjust in my view, yet I carry the stigma of it all. I get pretty pissed off at it all as every single thing on that conviction sheet is a serious injustice.
5:43pm: One of the contemporary manifestations of the Thanatos mythos can be found in the Terminator sagas: a machine-like mind driving humanity to extinction. The films portray in a dystopian sci-fi form the battle that every person in the modern era faces within their own soul and highlights that without heart the human race will be driven to extinction. It’s my contention that the black vine of my recurring childhood nightmare, the dark goddess of my 2011 vision and the black energy Stacey saw covering smothering me in 2013 are these energies. Also that the vivid visual and auditory domination and sexual abuse narratives that centred on you are also generated by these energies of the lunar realm, energies that have an archetypal origin but that are ultimately generated by heartless people with narcissistic intentions, a mindset that typifies Thanatos and our era.
Terminator 2 by the way is widely hailed as the greatest action film of all time, and the only sequel which is better than than the original. I listen to the theme song all the time and watch the films regularly, it’s really alive for me and helps me to understnd the forces at play in the modern world that are causing the hman race to drive itself to extinction. if there is one thing that characterises Thanatos it is the urge to self-destruction xx
4:18pm: The good news is that when I went out at 2pm to check my account balance the £44 tax rebate from Manchester City Council had gone in! Amazing, perfect timing :-). The bad news is that I have just spent it all on essential supplies – candles, water, internet credit and various food items. So I have enough now to last me another week and have to hope that the Lumpen money comes otherwise I will run out of candles, water and camping gas for my stove but I’m probably going to be okay for food. I’m just chowing down a couple of vegan sausage rolls I got from Aldi as a late lunch xx
1:05pm: News from the river this morning is that it has dropped by about 3 feet overnight but is still about a foot and a half above its normal height. The flow has died right down though so it’s all calm, so no problem getting in and having a swim. It’s definitely got a lot warmer. There was an 8 week period in September and October where it was brutally cold, whereas now it’s still very cold but nowhere near as unforgiving. Possibly just my sensitivity to it changing. The sea now is much colder than the river.
I’ve decided to decorate the December entries with some holly so hope you like it, feels very festive and a good way to mark the build up to the solstice. I’m thinking of coming up to Lancaster during the solstice period, but will see. I might come earlier, on the 17th or 18th, and then come back and have a few days here then go to my sister’s, or I may come to Lancaster for the solstice and go to my sister’s over New Year. Probably the latter.
Just had a load of hail come down which was pretty cool. Just gonna do a clearing meditation now then head out to the bike shop and hope I don’t get soaked xx
10:04am: Just recorded a short message but waiting for it to import to mp3 so I can upload it. The good news this morning is I heard back from Lauren at Tr Awel and she is gonna get me a train ticket so I can go tomorrow which is great as I really need the veg! I’m down to just some onions and lots of sweet potato with no money so gotta get some veg. So phew… supplies are all running low so really hoping for the council tax rebate and/or the Lumpen money to come… otherwise it’s gonne be tough times for the next two weeks…
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oJRdq0wUaOLmQ844nmBpN3s0JHegbWK-/view?usp=sharing
Monday 1st December 2025:
00:07am:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/13ItcbjJYymbbFsuI6eRyTJ2kGQ7ckWh9/view?usp=sharing
10:27pm: Dhaal was really tasty, better than usual. Really creamy and flavoursome and infused with a light aroma of fried garlic and ginger. Yum.
I’ve uploaded the best photos from yesterday’s walk to Caswell Bay. They give a good flavour of the walk and its highlights:
9:07pm: Cooked a split mung bean dhaal for dinner tonight, along with rice and peas and chapatti. Just about to sit down and eat it now in about 10 mins. It’s basically mung bean but with the kernel removed. It makes a really tasty dhaal and you do need to add any tomatoes so if you’re skint and cant afford any it’s the cheapest possible dhaal you can make. I fry garlic onion and grated ginger for about 10mins then add the spices and a bit of water on very high heat, then boil off the water so you have a nice paste and add the lentils and water and cook for half an hour until the lentils dissovle. Super tsaty and a very unique flavour. The lentils are really cheap too but are hard to find, expecially if you want organic ones. I often think it’s a very Indian dhaal and that only Inidan people will like it as it is a bit of a specialist taste, but I’ve never served it to any British people so maybe they’ll love it. You never see it in any Indian restaurants. Looking forward to continuing watching The Guns of Navarone. I usually only watch about 45mins at a time whilst eating dinner so a movie typically lasts two or three nights xx
4:55pm: Just spent an hour or so looking at grant applications for Tir Awel. I’ve managed to identify four, one of which looks good, but most of the ones for core funding are closed to applications now so will have to wait until next year. Got enough to go on though so will focus in on them tomorrow and work out some details ahead of seeing Lauen at Tir Awel on weds.
I’d like to encourage you to really consider what I said below (1:51pm) as I feel you are likey to dismiss it. Please consider the past paragraph and then work backwards from there! This is what I have been telling you since way back when and I feel that right now it is particularly important to consider. Maybe I will chat bout it in my video tonight.
Been hit by a really nasty and disgusting energy all day. Really hard to describe what I am experiencing but it is like someone using you – imagine someone using you for sex or something, it’s a disgusting and nasty energy, it’s a feeling like that except it’s also visceral, like it is my energy that is being used. It’s like an energy that forcibly enters my body in order to use my energy for other means. One of the things I am telling you is that humans belong to different archetypal families with radically different instincts, and that some of those are parasitic, lke the instincts ascribed to archetypes like Kali. They feed off the energy of others. Sounds crazy right, except that it is well documented around the world in religion, spiritual, folklore and occult/new age circles and also fits what I am experiencing. I’ve got that video to share with you of me doing a ‘clearing’ where I expel these energies, something I have to do several hours a day at the moment. So I’ll go into it a bit more then, but for me it’s really useful to be able to share this with someone, what I am going through.
I’m about to process the photos from yesterday so hopefully will get them up on here in an hour or so. Really feeling a loving connection with you at the moment, it’s really nice 🙂 xx
1:51pm: Just reflecting on the messages you sent me on whatsapp before blocking me, that they contained on the one hand an explicitly caring sentiment, but on the other hand an implicitly murderous intent. That suggests that the murderous intent hides itself from you and is unconscious. To block someone is a murderous intent when it is done without cause and it is clear that the other person is vulnerable and that the action is going to cause them significant harm and distress. It’s easy enough to confabulate reasons for blocking someone to mask a murderous intent, or a malicious intention to deliberately harm someone. A similar case can be made for the fact that neither you nor Sharon sought to inform me that the abuse narratives I was picking up were not factual. That is a malicious act sustained over at least 6 months and suggests a lot of malice that is being acted out yet it is easy enough to confabulate other reasons for doing so that mask it. People need to feel that they are good people even when they are doing evil things. I think yours and Sharon’s treatment of me over the years is tantamount to chronic abuse but I don’t think either of you have been conscious of it. I think you both have an instinctive tendency to confabulate other reasons for your attitude and behaviour and then dismiss the matter without further thought – and in that way avoid the real issue. You have a complex in you centred on your childhood abuse and from which a lot if not all of the malice you have for me arises and causes in you actions and behaviours for which you invent other reasons to exlain why you behave and act that way and that mask the true intention. This occurs because you have not dealt with your childhood abuse, you’ve not confronted your abusers past and present, and instead it remains repressed due to fear and projected onto me. I pay the price for their abuse.
I recall a walk I did with you, the only one we ever did together, which began in Staveley. I recall at one time the topic of rape coming up, I can’t remember why now, but I was talking about it for some reason, probably analysing the causes or some such, and I noticed that it triggered you as you began walking faster and faster and before I knew it you were several metres ahead of me. The energy was not a normal one and you did not seem to be aware that it had triggered you and caused this reaction. This is that complex. In psychology word association tests are often used to detremine the complexes people have, and your reaction to the word rape was a classic example of how word association tests work. The fact that it is unconscious suggests it is repressed, some truth is repressed.
So I am saying that you see me as a threat or as a predator or a mental health case or something like that because the truth about others in your family and social milieu is repressed due to your fear of them. This is what causes that complex to be projected onto me. It could be your father, or it could be people in your anarchist/social milieu. Or both. The fact is these people whom you are frightened of make monstrous demands of you and use threat and emotional manipulation to ensure those demands are met. That is why you say to me you cannot meet my expectations, even though I haven’t expressed any and messaging you on whatsapp requires nothing of you. It is a projection. This is what you really want to say to the others but you cant because you are too scared of them. So it is projected onto me. You are frightened of them but are unable to face that and that is projected onto me. The reality is that the appropriate thing to do is to block them because they are monstrous and abusive, but you are unable to face up to that and instinctively repress it and the dynamic is projected onto me and so you block me instead. You fear I am a sexual predator but this is clearly the adult male who abused you as a child, and maybe other males in your vicinity. I suspect you have never stood up to your father about this, and if so that is because you are too scared. Maybe you invent other reasons why you don’t, but the truth is you are too scared as something like that is not something that can be ignored. If you sweep it under the carpet and carry on as though nothing has happened, then it is because you are too scared and your father is keeping you in a repressed state using fear. You may say it happened ages ago and why rock the boat now and cause all this unpleasantness, but all you do is give voice to your abuser. This is not your own voice, because that voice remains repressed by the fear and she has not had the chance to speak as she has remained trapped by the fear that is still present. This is the part of you that loves me.
1:26pm: News from the river this morning is that it is dangerously in spate, really fast flowing in the middle, faster than you can run, and lots of debris coming down. Even at the edges it was too fast to swim against so I just got in and immersed myself for a few minutes, clinging onto the grass on the banks so I wasn’t swept away. Very muddy water too xx
9:56am: Felt a lot of murderous threat hit me at my solar plexus this morning that seemed to come from you. Maybe you think my mind just makes this stuff up, but the threat is real and hits me at the solar plexus and then creates anxiety, stifles me, and/or causes me to lose heart. It’s not internally generated and I can often use crystals to block it or dampen it r clear it by channelling prana. I felt it specifically generated around my sexual attraction towards you, which you said in your whatsapp message ‘triggers’ you. But that is not something you need to live with, you can choose to respond in a different way, a more appropriate way than murderous threat, which is a response rooted in your child trauma, and also analyse why you feel that way. Why? Because in that way you overcome the conditioning of your mind and body to your childhood trauma, as opposed to acting it out. The murderous threat I think is a response to that trauma, but is no longer appopriate as an adult (unless you are actually under threat).
What I am saying is that I think due to your childhood abuse you instinctively see any sexual attraction from a male for you as predatory and as a threat, and therefore react with a murderous response or strong feelings of hate or stonewalling or aggression. That is maybe something you can revisit as it will act to block your own natural sexual energy and stifle your own and other’s lives. That is not to say that you ought to respond sexually, just that this response is one you could work on in order to overcome the conditioning caused by your childhood trauma and liberate your own nature.
I’ll share with you tonight the video I made back in August of me doing one of my clearing meditations. Think that will be interesting and give you a very different perspective of me and the yoga I practice xx
Sunday 30th November 2025:
11:48pm: Tonight’s video!
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/16brqKU_TfFl3X_-jMx1cn6q7g-xPuA1Z/view?usp=sharing
8:57pm: Just cooking my dinner now which will be a roast, last one until I get more root veg this week from the CSA’s as I’ve used the last of it tonight. The movie I’ll be watching is The Guns of Navarone, a classic 60s WWII film that I picked up in the Oxfam shop in Ulverston. I’ll have more to say about it in my video message tonight but include the image below for heroic inspiration! xx
7:42pm: Just about to get in the bath now so will aim to post the pics after dinner during the 10-11pm whatsapp time 🙂 xx
6:17pm: Got in just before 6pm. 5 hrs of walking and 1 hr at the beach! Lovey day though, mixed cloud and sun with scattered light rain and no wind. A nice waxing half Moon in the sky and on the way back in the dark it was surrounded by a lovely halo of light giving it a really soft loving feel, classic lunar juju. The sea was really cold, colder than the river at the moment which has warmed up a bit over the last 10 days. Tide was up, only a few surfers in the sea and even fewer swimmers. Had my lunch on the steps of the lifeguard hut which is my favourite parrt of Caswell Bay especially in the winter. I always head there and chill out on the steps with my back against the wall in the winter sun, it’s a really cool spot. I was shivering quite violently today though, took me about an hour to warm up again and several hot herbal teas. I have a few pics to upload so will put a little gallery up later when I get the chance. Got some good shots including some nice night time ones but I have to redue the file size to get them on my website which takes a bit of time. Just about to clear my energy body now then run a hot bath. Made a really nice sweet potato kidney bean dish with rice and kale for lunch on the beach and my favourite roast vermicelli pudding, was super tasty xx
12noon: Just heading out now. Probably won’t be back until 6pm so won’t be able to message again until then though I may be able to use my phone, it’s a bit hit and miss so will see xx
9:03am: Just got up and am about to clear my energy body. I connected with you this morning, was feeling anxiety and when I connected with you I felt it dissolve, I felt an energy from you come into ym solar plexus and the anxiety went away. It;s an energy you must have generated, feelings of comforting me or something like that. I’ve not had much of that from you snice you blocked me on whatsapp, like I have said in my recordings I have been getting a lot of negative energy, but prior to that I used to get a lot of positive energy, so something shifted there perhaps. It was really lovely to experience. Soothing. It was countered by a lot of anxiety from Sharon, a murderous energy causing anxiety and coming from the part of her rooted in conformity to the patriarchy and seeking to protect and maintain it and to keep me shut out so that the status quo is maintained. I also felt something from you, like you feel I am judgemental, perhs towards eople like Sarah or Sharon’s abuser. I’l maybe say something about that later. I’m cooking rice and kidney beans to make for lunch as I am gong to walk to Caswell Bay, but will first do a clearing meditation and then sweep ad smudhe the flat before heading out. I may be able to write a post here using ym phone while out but if not I won’t be till I get back, around 4pm, that I will be able to post something.
Ths song came on radio 3 this morning, a beautiful folk song from the 19thC about life in a Jutemill factory xx
Saturday 29th November:
11:49pm: Here’s the video! xx
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/11q1MgOT__OgWPltDiQ0I5-Cotq09skbW/view?usp=sharing
10:24pm: So I’m just about to record a video now that I will post on this page when I’m done, prob between 11 and 1130pm xx
8:20pm: No cinema tonight, I’m about to cook dinner (fried rice with roast veg) and will sit down after dinner and record you a video. Not sure what I will talk about but I have a few things to say, but mostly I will just freestyle it and see what comes up. I’m heading to Caswel Bay tomorrow so going to get up at 6am so I can head off at 10am. It’ll take me 2hrs to walk there and I want to be back before 4pm so need to head off early. The weather forecast is half decent but the chance of rain increases from 2pm onwards so don’t want to get caught up in that. Wish I had the money to get a bus and get a vegan fish and chips on the pier but all I can do is dream about it. I’ll make myself a decent picnic spread to make up for it xx
5:12pm: Just got back in. The trip to the bike shop was a fail as they guy shut early. He’s a bit erractic and it’s always hit and miss whether it’ll be open. On the way back I spent my £13 on water, candles, potatoes and bananas. Now I am praying for my council tax rebate from Manchester City Council. I got enough to last a week, so fingers crossed.
Gonna do you a video later talking about a few things, probably after dinner. About to clear my energy body for half an hour then have bath but thought I’d share this image. It’s a film I saw some years ago and that really inspired me as it portrays my own struggle: shut out and isolated and in a fight for my life. I get isolated by authoritarian forces. You isolate me for example, and you do so in obedience to authoritarian influences though at present I think you confabulate other reasons (you don’t have time, can’t meet my needs, you fear my ‘violent’ reactions, etc) and are not fully aware of the authoritarian influences at play in your life and whose expectations you are powerfully conditioned to meet. Instincts are not just blind automatons, they have an intelligence of their own and form groupings. Patriarchy is one such grouping of instincts that form what can be termed an archetype, the patriarchal archetype, just as prevalent in lesbian or anarchist subcultures as the wider one in which we are situated, and it could be argued more so. It is these instincts that isolate me because I am not part of their ilk. Instincts act to influence people through for example their likes and dislikes or by blanking people out, and the partiarchy does not like me, and because we live in a patriarchal society, I end up isolated wherever I go. Hence the power of the image below from the film Arctic – it highlights my situation, isolated by the patriarchy and cut off and left out in the cold, but with a fierce will and determination to survive and fight back, and a lot of heart. Part of you is in rebellion against the patriarchy too, and that is the part of you that is connected with me and that is emerging from a repressed state despite the obstacles and oppressive milieu. You heart Becky, is coming to my aid, she is rising up against all the oppressive forces in your life that have sought and continue to seek to stifle her. That is the fight you are in, and that is what gives this guy in the image below, me, the hope he needs to continue the struggle xx
2:17pm: news from the river this morning is that it is still in spate, about a foot and a half above normal levels, but not so strong that you can’t swim against it and make progress, though that progress be made at a significant struggle and be painfully slow. There was also a bat flying low over the surface of the river close by, feeding in the way swallows do. Just the one, and unusual to see them in broad daylight like that. Pretty cool. I was hoping it would come close and fly over my head but it stayed at a distance of about 20m from me. Kingfishers tend to do that when you’re in the water, they fly right over your head just a few inches above it, pretty amazing to experience! And at that spot in the river where I swim last year a seal popped its head up about 20m away from me which was a pretty memorable experience :-).
Gonna clear my energy body then head to the bike shop. My derailler has broken so I’m gonna take it off and then use my bike as a fixed gear bike but need to shorten the chain so will bring my bike to the bike shop and just ask to borrow the tool to shorten the chain with. Hopefully I will at least have a functioning bike so I can get to Caswell bay tomorrow and various other places, otherwise I am very limited in my mobility which is pants.
Also got my £13 from selling a bicycle tyre belt on ebay. Wish I could sell more! Wonder if you can send me some good vibes so I can sell more? So gonna spend that today and made a little list of essential items all competing for the sparse funds: water, candles, bicarbonate of soda, bananas, flour, mint sauce, potatoes. No way I can get it all but I write it all down and then think about what to prioritise. The mint sauce is not essential but I will be getting loads of root veg from the CSAs so it’s pretty good to go with roast dinners and roast vegetable wraps. Bit of a luxury though as the roast veg is tasty on its own. Definitely candles and water and that will leave me with about £2.50 left over. So I’m thinking bananas and bicarb as that way I can have banana bread which I eat all the time and really keeps my morale up. Shame not to get potatoes though… will go nicely with all the veg I will get and they tend not to grow them at the CSAs so I generally have to buy them… so I may get that instead… will have to think about it… hard to imagine life without banana bread though… mega hardship… these are the tough decisions I have to make! 🙂 xx
1210pm: Amazing surf forecast at Caswell bay this afternoon but sadly I cant afford to go. Another really good forecast for this Tuesday so maybe I’ll have that council tax rebate money by then in which case I can go. I’m hoping so! Just about to smudge then train then jog and swim and then breakfast. Recorded the message below this morning xx
Morning thoughts:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/12fzD4UFQwNqf6SMDG1OLL05iPEbGg9WG/view?usp=sharing
Friday 28th November 2025:
0019am: Just got back. Wasn’t a very good film but I quite enjoyed it nonetheless. The lead character and a few of the other characters were quite riveting. The dinosaur fights were a bit pants but yeh, the actors were really good and that held the film together. Found myself falling asleep towards the last 40 mins or so though, which was pretty cool as the film kind of mingled into my dreams as I slipped into a liminal half awake state. I have a couple of audio tracks which i will upload now and then brush my teeth, do an energy cearing and hot the sack, hopefully about 1am.
On the way to the cinema:
After the film:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vn13wkvlkGO4SOjlQQCoD7izjwFvU45d/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1REmAy_aWBqEzaRQTByQdBImHgE0MfQs0/view?usp=sharing
9:04pm: Just about to head out now. It’s raining so I hope I don’t get too wet. Be a bit grim sat in the cinema wet. I made three chappatti’s and roasted some squash, parsnips and potato wedges and made wraps along with some rice and grated beetroot and apple. Als made popcorn with dates and a couple slices of banana bread :-). Bit of a cinematic feast. Looking forward to all the dinosaur action!
7:18pm: Hey I’ve been busy cooking for the cinema later tonight. I’m heading out at 9:10pm so been busy getting things done before then. Tomorrow I will be able to spend soem time after dinner connecting with you like I used to and I’m really looking forward to that every night, but on cinema nights I can;t as I have too much to do. But yeh as of tomorrow I’m really looking forward to connecting with you on this page from 10pm onwards like I used to on whatsapp :-). So tune in! Think of it like a TV series. I will regularly post the content so you’ll need tto regularly refresh the page.
Anyhow I gotta get on. I’ll record you a message on the way to and from the cnema and hopefully get those up tonight, so will check in wih you then.
The film I am seeing is called Primitive War. It’s a ridiculous film bit it has dinosaurs in so will be fun xx
3:45pm: Been to probation, was just a formality filling in forms and stuff. Also visited the police again about the stuff the Liverpool police confiscated. They said I need to contact the Liverpool police and will probably have to go up to get it all.
Got my veg box from Tir Awel, was hoping for some potatoes but otherwise it’s pretty good. The sprouts are a bit mouldy and I had to throw a handful away but the rest are okay once you take the outer skin off. Was glad to get some fruit too, apples, pears, bananas and oranges. It’s not enough veg to last but I will be going to both Tir Awel and Big Meadow next week and the week after so will get plenty of veg and will have to make do in the meantime. Love getting my food that way, its supercool :-). My main problem is I only have maybe a week or 10 days of camping gas left to cook with but don’t get my benefits until 16th Dec. So I’m really hoping I get some money in. I do have an electric rice cooker and oven though so if the worst comes to the worst I can use those. The £11 for the bicycle tyre belt I sold on Ebay has come through but I can’t transfer it yet, but I’ll probably use that for candles and water.
I hope you’re well and I’m thinking of you all the time. I’ve been getting a bit of a beating emotionally and psychologically from the energies hitting me 24/7 so am not in the best shape but will recover. It’s a lovely day this Sunday so I will probably go to Caswell Bay and have a nice swim and walk along the ciffs to rejuvenate and I’m going in the river everyday at the moment for the same reason. Planning to spend this Saturday working on funding bids for Tir Awel so there might be some money in the pipeline, and I’m hoping in the medium term to put together a project in which I can get paid so that my financial woes are lessened xx
1:42pm: Been for a jog and a swim in the pouring rain which was cool, just showered and had breakfast and about to go to probation but thought I would upload the recording I did this morning first:
Thoughts on reconciliation and other matters:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1i_N_Ay2E-k6CODNsnhv-PawHsUXz6xHX/view?usp=sharing
11:11am: Made the same mistake this morning of doing a recording on my mini recording studio but forgetting to turn on the mic! What a pain… just doing another recording now about things that came up overnight.
Have done my morning clearing and have swept and smudged the flat. So after the reording I will do my training, then go for a jog and swim in the river and come back home for breakfast, probably about 1pm. Would like to make breakfast much earlier but that means getting to bed earlier, which is my mission at the moment…
Thursday 27th November 2025:
1148pm: Hi, just got back from the cinema, was a cool film! I made a recording on the way to the cinema and one on the way home but both failed as I decided to start using a small hand held recording studio I’ve had for years but I forgot to select the mic as input so I ended up recording nothing as the mic wasn’t on! My phone records my voice as M4a files which don’t upload to my website so I have to convert them to MP3, whic is a bit of a hassle, whereas the handheld recording studio does it straight to MP3.
Plus I can just plug it straight into the computer and transfer the files whereas on my phone I have to upload to google drive or email them and then download them, which often takes time and sometimes stalls. So all told it’s a bit of a hassle whereas using the hand held recorder is hassle free, so I’ll be using that from now on but tonight I forgot to turn on the mic so no recordings! I’ll do some tomorrow and talk about the film and what it was like. Gonna do a clearing meditation now then get to bed for about 1am which is quite early for me. I’m aiming for midnight bedtime so I’m getting closer to that goal. Bonnne nuit x
6:10pm: Find myself really wishing I could ring you and speak to you.
I’m just in the process of uploading two recordings, going painfully slowly. Being hit by a really murderous energy that is creating a lot of tension in my stomach area and a lot of intense fear. Just about to do an emergy clearing meditation to get rid of it. Also… now I have my wndows laptop back I can upload that video I did of me doing an energy clearing. So will get on and do that tomorrow probably. I wonder what you will make of it.
I unpacked all my stuff and realised that it is only the stiff that the Swansea police took, so I will have to go back tomorrow and ask them about how I get the stuff back from Merseyside police.
Here are the recordings I have just uploaded:
Thurday morning reflections (recorded this morning):
And this one I recorded last night after getting back from Lancaster.
On what is unfolding:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/17gM6aHTTPeTnn6xKtB2TRafV5plgtr3M/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1nEWPy44C_H90GTWAuZNx_oLH_jfET004/view?usp=sharing
4:39pm: Just dragged all my stuff back from the police station. Thought I might have to wait for months but it was all there at Swansea Central, including the stuff they took from me in Liverpool. Feels pretty good to have it all back, am glad about that, was a really invasive thing to do. Haven’t unpacked it all yet so still using the old laptop but will get it all out either today or tomorrow. Got some police evidence tape as souvenir. Also got my notes back on the anaerchist praxis videos I wanted to do so that is cool, means I can get on with doing them.
The other dramatic news is that I spent my last £4 on some candles and non-organic soya milk. Now I’m all out until the 16th Dec when I get my benefits so I’m hoping for the council tax rebate and the Lumpen money else things are gonna get pretty grim… hopefully I’ll get a bumper veg box from Tir Awel tomorrow… also booked a ticket for the cinema for tonight and tomorrow. Tonight is Sisu 2. I quite liked the first Sisu film so thought I’d go see it and it’s only on tonight so I’d miss it if I don’t see it tonight. It’s an action film, quite violent but in a kind of humurous way rather than depicting real violence. Starts at 9:15pm. The film I’m seeing tomorrow, also at 9:15pm is Primitive War, which is a film about an american army platoon who come across a hidden valley of dinosaurs and engage in an all out fight for their lives with them. Totally ridiculous but I like dinosaur films so it’s a must see for me :-).
1:37pm: Just got back from a swim and a jog, had a shower and am waiting for my bread to cook. The river was in soate from all the rain but at the same time the tide was also coming in. The river current tends to flow but the incoming tide comes in parallel waves. The incoming tide mostly cancelled out the river flow so that you could swim in it and against the spate, but due to the two clashing waters there were potentially some dangerous turbulent flows in the river. I decided to chance it anyway and stick close to the shore. The river temperature was warmer than usual but still very cold. Cilfai hill (approx 300m) which borders the river and has some nice crags, and is thickly wooded, had a nice bit of sea mist hanging over it and masking the top, and the rain was coming down lightly, like a mist, but is waves of sheets, which was pretty spectacular to see. A really beautiful sight. Just gonna eat now, do another clearing meditation, then head out to walk along the high tide and then to the police station to see about my stuff xx
9:30am: Hey hope you’re well. Didn’t go to Big Meadow this morning as I needed the sleep and also have things to do, chief among them being going to the police station to get my stuff back and recording something for Sharon reflecting on the trip up. Felt a lot of anxiety hit me this morning while in bed and also been struggling to connect with you since I got back. I came under a lot of anxiety when I was in the hotel room and overnight and I think this has damaged our connection. Maybe it was you generating a lot of murderous energy to destroy any developing connection of intimacy between us. I reflected on that in the recording I did this morning that I will upload later. I know you feel a lot of internal conflict and perhaps very intense feelings, that there is an inner battle going on within you.
Green anarchy is all about liberating our natural instincts from the trappings of dominator culture, from the way we have been conditioned and domesticated by it. The parts of us domesticated and conditioned to the system have a stake in it, are complicit in it, and will fight to preserve the status quo. I wonder if this is part of it, I think so, but also I think mainly you are dealing with strong negative feelings towards me, prejudices perhaps, past wounds, your identity as a lesbian, your feelings towards men, your childhood trauma, your class privilege… but also there is a lot to be said for the fact you have a big stake in an anarchist subculture that is based upon exclusion, domination and oppression. When I broke contact with you back in 2020 or 2019, around that time, it was because I felt I could not take the hurt that I got from you. One source of that hurt was your negativity towards men, but the other was your class privilege, which sought to ‘put me in my place’. I felt you refused to accept me as an intellectual equal as that challenged your own sense of class privilege, and that as a result you would react aggressively and hurtfully whenever I would adopt a position of intellectual superiority or equality and seek to give you advice or instruction. That is, when I would display a clear breadth of knowledge and experience that was greater than your own, that this would trigger your instinctive class superiority complex. In my mind’s eye, after that last encounter by text or whatsapp with you back in 2020ish, I got strong images of the battle of Peterloo, and the cavalry charges and murderous energy that was generated to stop the ‘lower classes’ from challenging the class system. So there is part of you Becky that is conditioned to class privilege and that seeks to defend it and maintain it. I do not think you are fully conscious of it but it is strong in you. It is a powerful complex that is the reason why NGOs continue to be dominated by those with class privilege. My critique of Seeds contained a strong critique of the lack of any dialogue or work on the class system. I guess I feel like you do have class privilege Becky but that you deny it, you shut it out instinctively in order to maintain your own privilege that results from it, and that that includes shutting me out. It’s one of the things I’ve always wanted to work with you on but you have always been too strongly unconscious of it and under its iunfluence to a degree that you just don’t see it and think you are free of class privilege and the oppression that results. You can infer its existence however, even without my own direct experience of it, by a total lack of any experience dealing with class oppression, or interest, or lack of any engagement by Seeds on it and in fact its total exclusion from the Seeds agenda. You can also see it by the way you exclude me from Seeds and from activism, and from working with me on these issues. The way you have excluded my exerience of class oppression from you and the milieu we were part of, that you shut it out and do not concern yourself with the horrific toll it has taken on my life. But you are responsible for that Becky, you can’t just treat people like that and then turn a blind eye, pretend that I am mentally ill and therefore that you can ignore me, or that I am just delusional. None of those are true. I have raised legitimate issues of abuse and oppression that lie along classic lines of class, sex and race that have not been dealt with but continue to be ignored. That is how strong these forces of opression are within you that they continue to this day, and these are also part of the reason why you continue to shut me out and seek to sabotage the developing intimacy between us, to stifle it and kill it. Is that really what you want? I don’t think it is, I think you are largely not conscious of all this, and that these forms of oppression act unconsciously within you in a passive agressive manner. I am pretty sure of that because I think your activism is sincere, and I know that your affections for me are too. So I think you are just under the spell of these internalised forces and that they produce a lot of intense feeling states within you that you struggle with, but if you open up to me and talk about it with me we can both identify what they are and where they come from and begin to resolve these things. I believe, I know Becky, that this is our path, doing this work is our path together. It is not about blame or casting stones, but just about working together cooperatively to overcome these systemic lines of oppression in order to liberate our true selves, the parts of us rooted in the earth mother, our natural ecology. That is what green anarchy is, its real aim. Any other aim is secondary to the need to restore our own natural ecology xx
Wednesday 26th November 2025:
1130pm: Just uploading the recordings I made while having lunch at Birmingham coach station:
How identities mask threat and oppression:
More thoughts on identities:
Last comments on identities:
Okay just a bit more on identities:
Feeling frightened:
The google drive links in order:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/15-y4VO1JgBUzbSpx4td_uYaAYyS0WjY4/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OZYw-49UtZkzF5Znn0g7fU5jtgV13vrq/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BlCO_2SMLDDBRQ_sxB2LdSJceDoZeVYo/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ZpoE7V6xaivufXCwbF1nJlqRVZhZLnyX/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DRxZxV-bWPfT-j8zsXEQ6KqbWC87U8lE/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1lAfu5kQdMeb-QBJP7FBgKZW4RWh2u1TM/view?usp=sharing
4:30pm: Am on the coach to Swansea. Feeling pretty scared and vulnerable and wishing I could ring you or message you so I got my laptop out so I could write something here. It’s half four and the coach is due in Swansea in another 3 hours. I have a few recordings to upload so I’ll do that when I’ve finished writing this. Amazing how any kind of connection with you evaporates the fear and vulnerability. I feel safe and cosy already just writing this so I may end up doing a lot more writing on this webpage as a way to manage all the anxiety and fright I experience… I think it comes from being isolated, vulnerable and being excluded. I think with childhood trauma you don’t get to mature emotionally as that is repressed behind the trauma and this can leave you emotionally vulnerable as a result and that vulnerability can go critical if you are isolated as well. I think the growth that is happening between us represents parts of us trapped by repression and childhood abuse and that are coming froth now to grow, heal and mature, but obviously that is meeting with obstackles at your end. I think you know now that something real is happening. There’s a great film I’d like to reommend but I can’t remember it at the moment but have the DVD at home so will look it up when I get back and mention it then. I think I really enjoy just writing comments like this on this webpage so am gonna do more of that. It’s kind of like whatsapp or texting.
9am: Hi, I’m just on the train to Manchester where I’ll get the coach back to Swansea. I recorded the following audio this morning and thought I would upload it while on the train. I’m returning home feeling really positive as I feel like a new heart space has opened up for dialogue between us and I’m feeling a lot of love and happiness in my heart. I feel a lot closer to you and our connection feels more intimate. I think last night’s video has opened up that new space. I was pretty anxious this morning though and that is reflected in the recording I did.
Thoughts on last night’s video:
Afterthoughts:
Google drive links:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MYD8dwkrUEZkoVixTU0XmhQ8A7BAQdhi/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1w7rqebbtee_ns3qdqCAGQvRwIITIkU9F/view?usp=sharing
Tuesday 25th November 2025 (Part 1):
Part 2 below contains the two video messages I did when I got to the hotel, as well as the audio recordings from the last two days. This part (Part 1) will contain a video message that I will do tonight in an hour or so.
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1k-5tIxGQXjRo5zwV9oVIVhpGt8e1Jk1S/view?usp=sharing
Tuesday 25th November 2025 (Part 2):
Hey I’ve just arrived at the GO2 hotel in Lancaster (1600), sat in my room now on my laptop using the wifi. Wishing I could whatsapp you :-). Went to Ulverston this morning, beautiful day, some snow on the Coniston mountains, just at the very tops and some streaks on the steep slopes. Great views of the forest of Bowland hills too on the way up but no snow. Am about to do you a video and will also upload the last two days of audio. The latter takes time as I have to convert it to mp3 online before uploading it. Thinking about you a lot x
Here’s the video – it uploads super fast because of the hotel wifi so I will probably do another one tonight and also upload the audio I’ve done. The google drive link will follow in a few mins…
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/16AUFKYZxiLG0RsSxjGLSLbasOy8ljACS/view?usp=sharing
Hey I did another video – if you only watch one then this one is probably the more important one to watch:
Google drive link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1a-aXaa4Kd59BVEDwoEAxXOAOL6mXenA6/view?usp=sharing
Audio recordings from the last couple of days:
Just chatting about various things:
A third theory:
On the coach:
Expanding the third theory:
An endless stream of messages:
Toxic culture at NGO:
Letter to a radical feminist:
Central Library reflections:
On talking to you:
More reflections on the past and this new path:
Entangled hearts:
On the connection with you:
On the train to Lancaster:
On the train from Ulverston to Lancaster:
Google drive links (in order):
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1F4VPkN9HMSw4gA1JlcI5MZzpZp6Tl9K_/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1R_DZON8_6_C4_wrsBz-sJzgDaU9pxmlk/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1R_DZON8_6_C4_wrsBz-sJzgDaU9pxmlk/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Zh67XJlB3lz0w1hghP17WxDYi7oG00V6/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EmbKtjwy4lXxif22dMzCqZE7FGW-8U0s/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1hj96WbhMov_Oxy5I4mcH-1hv2Mw8kCei/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HvZe1MOTHlJb6JOpMeCzQYR460JFDD-w/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ehKtxVuNzPQUQDZRlsCP3OuhE69Gpn5y/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bhoo5jUQL0cX-VdKREuMHXoGDhaL65Cu/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ZGl0unhXOgLxpalyNNXrEfrlUhjmQe8U/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CnOvnNMiaslTiZL-MNy_KmASYm1vi2gW/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1F6uBEXBiZwDi_4TkL3BfSm-ogRE4nBQ3/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1F4ZKokBnP2a2Y_TsFN4Ml6gEQkvN4-Eg/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/12OTA3eC-rx88bAfFhmcdjcYp4hhOFhlZ/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1iIuijxEwDn6R_ji6KeCy24wpcUycgeBQ/view?usp=sharing
Sunday 23rd November 2025:
Google drive link in case the YouTube player does not work: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ABtFCuXehGLY_dHm-t8O8CtZa7gT_dLr/view?usp=sharing
Audio Messages:
On being tagged and some notes on Rhiannon:
On being ‘buried’:
On the imaginal content I experienced and the repressed Self:
General chit chat on domination:
General chit chat:
On prison anxiety:
Your energy:
Notes on imaginal content:
General chitchat2:
Before cinema:
After cinema:
Thoughts on natural bonds:
Feeling scared and other thoughts:
The google drive links:
Audio 1: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Fq5A77EfIssl0QA5DL8PEsx_v4tVO4yx/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1N4PE_byUdm9GurayLzBKdTOsbUoclrSW/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3: https://drive.google.com/file/d/10hkisJQ0x5imPYYb0AH9m7Ps1LxjjbFC/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FTyOc4RYq0ugb8i0fs9sNyhaz0qGBRiX/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Rsb0HRKnj1w-iWsEPotTUafAJcEEiuLp/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GuwDfQmx9ynNxAxfRfiiiPqjV1FJ7aCV/view?usp=sharing
Audio 7: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QuFPH5fPRiDHez2dEMowFe1GbhFjrMUm/view?usp=sharing
Audio 8: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rkmYgSPIib1n_FCBsmWs5DAcVFA3Mn2D/view?usp=sharing
Audio 9: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VvAGFlNlFfKL_IRpnwDYD94FA9Dn7HQJ/view?usp=sharing
Audio 10: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XXZC7KM0WB3Z80YcXV22fF5jd07ffyd0/view?usp=sharing
Audio 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q4BUbRgQ7ifUXUo_qJpYZDzHbMr8Jgnu/view?usp=sharing
Audio 12: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kZIS17uB_2L5AXGLTG_Q9RdUsm4E5XCI/view?usp=sharing
Audio 13: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_D4b-dFgbu5ut5p57jNqhpU_CMRmytU_/view?usp=sharing
Friday 20th November 2025:
Hey just to let you know that I narrowly avoided prison yesterday. I tried to get to a library afterwards to let you know but the nearest one was full of kids and all the computers were in use. I got 12 months in jail suspended for 2 years, 2 years on probation, an electronic tag for a year, a £200 fine and I am not allowed to contact Stacey for 5 years.
If you want me to take down this page then please let me know and I will take it down. Please don’t report me to the police as they will lock me up for 12 months. Just let me know and I will take it down.
I made the recordings below after I got home from court and was pretty upset in some of them. If you want to listen to only one then perhaps the first one is best. I guess I am appealing to your heart for support and would like you to hear it.
I am coming to Lancaster this Tuesday 25th Nov and will stay the night in the GO2 hotel then get the 0830 train home on Weds. If I happen to see you I will avoid you and certainly won’t go looking for you or anyone else, and will avoid the Storey or anywhere else you may likely be. I’m coming as part of my own personal journey but if you want to meet let me know, otherwise I will avoid you and anyone associated with you.
The google drive links in case the embedded player does not work:
Audio 1 (9mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QvIoMEZV0_eyuXUX0FTa2lZs3i3U5kgJ/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (20mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cwe4SOi2M3e43_ZDmFTKaDQSgN8bMHpT/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3 (16mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cBg-Oe4tuQiOgBdPzexuqm8AW_2Kajjm/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4 (4mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1S4Z4_KlgEY2utXzImRvGYsqpu59E-6o7/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5 (3mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qmglqjuaEmC1aQ50BbPpg4PTMsHz5GlN/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6 (10mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1iuMRicNOCk8Ekk53OMHlobgbRZJC2uYi/view?usp=sharing
Audio 7 (2mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q_oC0wMfvke1EA7eC1khrCf75MTtpIRF/view?usp=sharing
Audio 8 (1min): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uT4owQS6RLcjwxgnO0HmcapR7t971SNI/view?usp=sharing
Audio 9 (1min): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1p_upFnmyVWPAcqVFaAFHmVAOyDGDteRu/view?usp=sharing
Audio 10 (1min): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RXehPL_2aQBWXyPbsSe8WliyCWp2aTne/view?usp=sharing
Wednesday 19th November 2025:
Recordings made on Monday 17th:
Recordings made on Tuesday 18th:
This first one was made for you and Sharon and also posted on her webpage:
The rest were just for you:
Recordings made on Weds 19th:
As usual the google drive links in case the embedded player doesn’t work:
Audio 1 (Mon, 10mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1klpPaRob8RbzCDbhiYHGljMDMQ8AXaaa/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (Mon, 3mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QxE2cdggL4UELXkkPm0z6BBpQUdVgP6A/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3 (Mon, 6mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KOJcjKv2PSMs4yhpz1m_fdnlsS1C2rJ2/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4 (Mon, 10mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aIpgG2oo9Ntpz9Q_CD_ehOKW2hm_23Gm/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5 (Tues, you and Sharon, 22mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NBcvMttxwCJoC1GMVD86xrDzmijfLf5X/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6 (Tues, 16mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UgKMh4FYJ1o-nmjwOcOHGIKWC0cGxc3P/view?usp=sharing
Audio 7 (Tues, 7mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TYqWsATirf7cgLsKcY1dxPsJr30il7tE/view?usp=sharing
Audio 8 (Tues, 2mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/13Jnj-VxAhBxLT3elEOk6-WpIiy0icqqf/view?usp=sharing
Audio 9 (Tues, 21mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1dNy4ZxFQmk-waVPYCYw25YTHjamPbUb2/view?usp=sharing
Audio 10 (Tues, 10mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-d__eBOp38FNl5f_dWzc2zaNGJaRSiHi/view?usp=sharing
Audio 11 (Weds, 11mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1f41xH1JzjCteRTkMs1QEHb4q1Vf2mkDD/view?usp=sharing
Audio 11 (Weds, 4mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jmaQTETdIHY9TVJnWYz5cdeSGeElV333/view?usp=sharing
Monday 17th November 2025:
Recordings made on Saturday night (11th Nov):
The following two recordings relate to the imaginal content I have been picking up around Beau, Andrew, Sharon’s abuser and so on and presenting the indigenous perspective on it rather than the mental health perspective. If you’re going to be selective in what you listen to then these two tracks are worth prioritising:
Recordings made on Sunday 16th Nov:
Recordings made on Monday 17th Nov:
And here are all the google drive links to the audio tracks above in order in case the embedded player doesn’t work:
Saturday night:
Audio 1 (18mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GAdMWk9-C_zpsR4-AoALxcIE8r3thlSG/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (20 mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/148TfEyxWe0b_DHJ1B4A-tXe1mhEgSq9L/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3 (20mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TOX3wyiiIE49xOvxau1wz_vxK4jPDWjQ/view?usp=sharing
Sunday:
Audio 4 (11mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1a3bI8mIjcn3I7k1_argielVIj-u362Nl/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5 (13 mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-4GPrECJN2ODIA81zV7i5d8FZitce73F/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6 (16mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1n_HLlwsozG_ScHrAaA7_uNynZvR_SQjX/view?usp=sharing
Audio 7 (10 mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1di23AtLKMh_vzCwLv-VLok2z6uknebLo/view?usp=sharing
Audio 8 (21mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/10Gp4mJPCMYtzcNRsv4LANDi4T_FD94ql/view?usp=sharing
Audio 9 (9mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IwfhZNUtsewtlijTmJtHRN7sbuSQb8bL/view?usp=sharing
Monday Morning:
Audio 10 (6mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CG-aM8WFvd1yVXkcUmXhy3CwRdr3XHJR/view?usp=sharing
Saturday 15th November 2025:
Recordings I made this morning:
The following are recordings I made last night and which I think are the most important to listen to as they respond directly to your whatsapp messages:
As usual I also include the google drive links in case the embed player does not work:
Last night’s recordings (Fri – These are recordings that I think are the most important to listen to as they respond directly to your whatsapp messages:):
Audio 1 (14mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PKUHbe6vX3JEz52kv7zTL87L40Efcqbr/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (20mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jd9dMlAlJj_oT94fldKfWar-NzDZa2um/view?usp=sharing
Audio3 (15mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CZ0cXe3ebSb2lifts2nkyO-SCqjvLyQS/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4 (18mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1y710WvRSmNK2wF43EyrTbX2GDYtL6Zvr/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5 (20mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fTNBuT1t_8sv7pZl0C8u3o7tsTsq25Bu/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6 (20mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j0b-DA1RA_nHOMioqB1rhgCoXtxpgM_B/view?usp=sharing
This morning’s recordings (Sat):
Audio 1 (6mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sffmuCDwBpwGbN_pB9LynXu3BI1QcvTz/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (7mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KQjIxSw4QNZmqPoiMahB2A0Ey8AH3myu/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3 (2mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KOgr-iFojNutS58aKAfiLVfksU1u_yu9/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4 (13mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1b-kFreOS2Jd8s6k5RiYZKR93me2GRfFE/view?usp=sharing
Friday 14th November 2025:
Hey Becky, I got your whatsapp message last night. I will respect your boundaries and not contact you by text or whatsapp and I will not seek to see you when I come up to Lancaster on the 25th. If I happen to see you on the street I will avoid you and not go near you or anyone associated with you. However I will continue to post content here so that I can continue my connection and conversation with you and the emotional work that has been so invaluable to me. It is up to you if you want to listen or not so I don’t feel I am transgressing any boundaries.
FYI I just sent Beau the following message on Facebook:
Hey Beau Becky has contacted me and assured me that she is not involved in any way shape or form with you and never has been and that she is not under any form of threat or abuse. I will still be coming to Lancaster on the 25th Nov but if I see you I will keep a wide berth. My apologies for unjustly accusing you, I am subject to all sorts of difficulties and the fact that no-one was communicating with me meant I have been unable to discern fact from fiction. Apologies if I caused you distress or alarm.
The audio is posted in the order that I recorded it last night (Thurs) and this morning (Fri):
As usual if the embedded audio doesn’t work you can click on the google drive links below. Refresh the screen if the embedded player does not automatically load or download the file directly.
Audio 1 (15mins):
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1V5T88akMBsGXTmgNLAS1ypxbLQ6TiR6w/view?usp=sharing
Audio 2 (9mins):
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XH7eM_iXxx2Sbp-xoqFZYwuZgCWbFldf/view?usp=sharing
Audio 3 (6mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1w1XMxs3p3yhaGPsOZwo4Owt1UUoWIeUl/view?usp=sharing
Audio 4 (6mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cjZxVfLhJ4Qzsimd5nfpgU_ngyiOPiEJ/view?usp=sharing
Audio 5 (4mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gyaakcAH-JQ6OHpZfEX0TeN89Ctxs0RO/view?usp=sharing
Audio 6 (3mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/17amLex3Nm5R5M-kgupgUzv65-mMQStCd/view?usp=sharing
Audio 7 (4mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vjdJqKW4GOE-V0jQ3rpEWZDBbSz55bCa/view?usp=sharing
Audio 8 (7mins): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d3t47cNjAJZoIVrM4IwozlnBDFAUHm4t/view?usp=sharing
Saturday 8th November 2025:
Hey I recorded the audio in 15 minute chunks as my phone won’t upload anything more than 20MB. They are in numerical order with the first one at the top and the last at the bottom.
If the embedded audio players don’t work you can listen to the audio online or download the files using the following Google drive links:
First: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ue1XHlNrUOHUC5SDlKY6uNOrFR-9anV4/view?usp=sharing
Second: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mDV43rxGSFKQ97h8LNHLEFVkwLhDCn-R/view?usp=sharing
Third: https://drive.google.com/file/d/14lGaZ_CFB32fwKp_BLjcCMP1P_s3g7Xb/view?usp=sharing
Fourth: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HHyoFa-mXqLJmvkQb6tNuAEsWJNZay-M/view?usp=sharing
Fifth: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QGaAwuhx655Giw5RsFYomWc6GBgDWV5A/view?usp=sharing
Sixth: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rLhSIpmybG41sz1rs-0wx1Sa1hO_Y8ZO/view?usp=sharing
Friday 24th October 2025:
Hey Becky so I’m writing a letter here as the cheap phone I bought isn’t ideal for long messages but it will be okay to stay in touch with. You can’t use Word or anything like that on the library computers so I will just have to type it direct onto the webpage until I get something better sorted.
So I went to Stacey’s home on Tuesday at 1pm, knocked on the door a few times but no-one was in. The curtains were all closed as if someone was in but didn’t want anyone to know. Anyhow after knocking I left and started to walk back to the bus stop to head back to the city centre. After about 5 mins I saw two cop cars with lights and sirens blazing coming towards me. the screeched to a halt as they saw me and four cops arrested me for stalking. Apparently Stacey had been in and had rung the police giving them my description (she must have been looking out the window at me) and said that there was a stalker outside and that she was in her home frightened and needed assistance.
Yeh I mean I’m not a stalker. I emailed her a month ago telling her the date and time I was coming up and that if she did not want me to come then she should let me know and I won’t. I also made it clear that I was coming up to check that she was okay and to have a chat with her one on one if I could to talk about her situation. So I feel really hard done by what she has done and it really upset me. I got taken to the police station and was kept there for two days in the cells. They charged with with stalking and on Thursday morning I was put in a sweat box and taken to Liverpool magistrates where I was seen in court. I had to go guilty. Both the solicitors I spoke to said that even though my motivations were clearly good, that technically I was guilty of stalking as she had, a year ago, said in an email that she didn’t want me to email her, and that she had also told the police that I was causing her distress, and that technically that was all that was needed to find someone guilty of stalking. They said that I would be found guilty and so I should plead guilty to avoid going to prison. So I didn’t have a choice other than to plead guilty even though I haven’t done anything wrong and was trying to help a friend. I mean you have seen the content of the video messages I sent to you, Stacey and Sharon, it’s not stalking, I am just explaining to you all about the abuse situations you are in and trying to help you get out of them.
So I’m pretty upset about it all and it may take me a couple weeks to recover. But there’s more to say. The police were really horrible, all of them, like they were dead set against me, and I felt this was largely instinctive. Like I said I feel there are two battles, one with the person themselves, their personality o ego, and one with their instincts, which can and do operate autonomously and collectively. anyway I shan’t go into detail about that other then to mention it as it is something I really want you to know and will keep coming back to, as the instinctive part of this is really important in the longer term. You can overcome a specific abuse situation but you are going up against the patriarchy, and that is instinctive, not just ego, and that has much wider repercussions. Like I say I am socially isolated and financially marginalised largely by that mechanism, though I appreciate it requires more detailed explanation. I have given that in some of my [previous texts and will do so again on this page.
So just a quick note before I go back to the main topic to say how this is going to affect our connection. I am sure you have felt that it already has. We are both under a lot of threat and menace. I have had my home raided and all my phones, laptops and diaries stolen. So I can’t get online except in a public library and they don’t have word, so it’ll be typing direct onto the page for now. I can’t do my video messages as I don’t have the software now. I could record a video on my Canon camera but the library computers don’t allow you to plug in any USB devices so I can’t upload them to YouTube or Google drive, and I’m not aware of any internet cafes in Swansea, they are hard to find now. So we are back to basics for now. I did order a phone before I left for Liverpool but that hasn’t arrived yet, but when it does that should improve the texting, otherwise it’s a really basic phone and is a bit of an effort but I will still be using it regularly.
Also please don’t tell anyone about me being charged. mainly because I know that Sharon in her current condition is very malevolently disposed and may also decide to make a complaint to the police, in which case I would almost certainly go to prison. I’m no longer going to be posting any messages on her webpage and will write her one more to explain why. That is sad but I feel I have to in order to protect myself. Maybe I’ve been foolish in attempting to do what I am doing, or perhaps reckless, as I had no idea I was committing an crime in trying to help people in abuse situations or that I could be sent to prison for it, I mean that’s crazy right? I felt like I was in some kind of George Orwell world, it was surreal, the courts and police and prosecution were all making out like I was some sinister creep and to harm her and nothing I could do or say could change their minds. And it did not seem to matter that there was no evidence, it was enough that she said she felt distressed and that was that. Yet every single letter or video message I have sent has been about helping her to come to terms with her abuse situation and to get out. How is that sinister? They are not interested, it’s like they just want to get me and that’s why I felt there was a big instinctive element to this. There was no logic or reasoning, they were just out to get me.
In court the prosecution demanded that I should be remanded into custody for the safety of the victim. But I have never made any threats to her and in every letter or communication I have written it is clear that I am concerned for her safety. Why would they be so keen to see me put in prison. I sat in the magistrates court hugging my adidas top and thinking of you, seeking some comfort as I faced the prospect of being remanded into custody and my whole life being destroyed jus because I wanted to help someone suffering domestic abuse, pretty severe domestic abuse.
I was really scared as my emotional state nis extremely vulnerable. Thankfully the magistrates saw sense and bailed me until 4th Nov for sentencing. But the prosecution are saying they wany me put in prison for 9 months. Whaaa…?? why do they want that, what the hell have I done? It’s crazy. I’m in a state of anxiety now not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me. My whole life will be destroyed just because I wanted to help her. I’ll lose my flat and I will be homeless again, and I will break down in prison, I’m not emotionally strong enough to take it anymore, I’ve had too much trauma in my life and I just can’t take any more. It’s a pretty grim situation I am in but I don’t regret what I have done. I acted with heart and passion for people that I love and care about and if this is the price then I will pay it. It was a direct action in the community, doing what real police ought to be doing, and how can I turn a blind eye to it, what kind of a person does that, and what kind f a person would I be if I did? I feel like I’m pretty screwed but that I have acted rightly and being treated unjustly and that at least gives me great determination to see it through, whatever happens.
I was really distraught to lose contact with you when I got arrested, I have come to rely upon that so much as a source o support. Not just the texts but also the connection through the pillow I use. I know it sounds funny but I get a real connection through it to you, one where I feel really loved, comforted and supported, it connects me to your heart. In the police celI really started to break down, my heart, and the whole 48hours I was there I spent holding m adidas top to my heart like a mini pillow and thinking of you, trying to connect to you. It wasn’t a strong connection but it was enough that it kept my heart from breaking down. I also felt concern from you, that you were concerned for me, which really touched me too. But I was anxious for you as I couldn’t send you the love and reassurance I normally do and so I was left concerned that you might relapse without that, but I don’t think you did. I really wish I could speak to you so that I could ascertain your state of mind. I feel this has adversely affected the connection between us and the process of healing and growth we are involved in. I hope you do not consider going back but continue dedicated to this path and avoid those abusive individuals. You really kept me going in the cells and it is clear to me that what is manifesting in you, your heart, is also mirrored by something manifesting in me, and that we both need each other, this connection, in order to allow that to happen. What has been repressed in both of us is manifesting. I wonder how I managed to survive before this connection with you, that is how much it has changed me. The first thing I did when I got home and the carpenter who fixed my door had left was to grab the pillow I connect to you with and burst into tears, really sobbing. It’s been a really hard time heart wise but I remain committed to this process. I will he to stop all communications with Stacey and Sharon but I will continue working with them energetically. I know they will get out eventually and they will perceive their situation because I know that the assembled causes are too powerful to stop, but there will always be setbacks like this that hamper and delay it.
You have no idea how desperately I wanted to speak with you while in the cells! and when I heard that they had raided my flat and taken all my stuff I came close to despair as I realised I had no way to contact you anymore. I had your number in my phones and in my address book, but they had taken them all and I hadn’t memorised it. But when I got back I was hugely relieved to find that they had not taken my address book, and so I still had your number! I was really really happy and whooped a little bit :-). If I am still a free man then on my next benefits I will get a better phone, but I have ordered a better one which will come hopefully in the next few days which will make the texting easier, but until then I will continue to use the cheap Nokia that I bought today. Getting a laptop is also a priority so that I can resume my video messages, but that may take longer, or I may prioritise it if I am still out on 16th Nov when my next benefits come. I really rely on my laptops a lot and feel really isolated now that I do not have them,. the flat feels empty and I am sat there alone in the evenings whereas my laptops kept me company. I watch loads of movies and they really keep me going, plus I listen to music a lot on my phone and that also really lifts me. So I have lost some key support that is going to mean I will struggle. It’s going to be hard for me but at least I can still text you and talk to you.
So our connection is a bit damaged but it’s still holding strong, and I expect it will bounce back within a few days. Hopefully I will be able to avoid prison. I hope so and will pull out all the stops to do so. I will write a statement to the magistrates and get character references, and will find a solicitor in Swansea. The sentencing on 4th Nov will be in Swansea magistrates.
So what is with Stacey, why is she doing this to me? When I got to Liverpool I checked in to the hotel and then went for a walk along the Mersey in order to connect with her. Like I have said before large bodies of water really amplify and channel lunar influences, which for most people will chiefly be the min women in their life they are connected with. What I felt was panic, that she was in a state of panic, almost a panic attack, which is pretty grim. I also got a call from reception before I left to go for a walk along the Mersey saying that someone called Trevor had rung and was expecting to meet me an hour ago. The receptions eastern European and had dodgy English so the message was undoubtedly garbled by the language barrier, but they had used my nickname (Sonny) and my real name (Mohsin Ahmed Khan) so it was clearly from Stacey. I know there are other working class males around her that abuse her and have her in a state of panic and fear, and felt that this was one of them, a particularly nasty one, and that he had pout the ‘frighteners’ on her to stop her connecting with me and was looking to have words with me, or perhaps wanted to convince her he was. My phone number, address and email is available on her webpage after all so they could have phoned me directly. That is why I felt there was likely to be trouble when I went to hers as I thought he and others would be there to confront me. So I suspect that they put her up to this in order to stop her meeting with me and speaking out, which is what would happen eventually.
I think she was genuinely in a state of panic in her home when I knocked, for the same reason you are unable to meet with or speak to me. people in abuse situations, a state of domination, internalise the abuser. This forms what is known in Jungian psychoanalysis as an ‘imago’, a version of the person powered by their libido that keeps the person dominated and in a state of fear within. Outwardly the person will say nothing is wrong, but internally they are in a state of chronic fear, dread and anxiety, and this can be really severe, so severe they are unable to speak out as the fear stops them*. The imago is powered by the energies that the abusers generate. So if there are multiple abusers then these can form multiple imago’s that dominate the victim internally through fear. Just the thought of contacting me can cause these inner imago’s to generate lots of really horrific states of dread or anxiety. So me being outside her door may well have triggered a catastrophic event and she lost her mind. I suspect so. But I also suspect she also acted partly out of malevolence in order top please her abusers and curry favour with them. It saddens me to say that but I think it is true, though overall i feel she was just in a really severe state and broke. That was my overriding impression. She may come to withdraw the complaint, in which case I will not have to go to court. that is possible and I hope she does as that will really help restore my faith in her. But her heart is with me, I could feel it, even in the cells, I could feel the love from her heart, so I do feel she will pull through eventually and won give up on her whatever happens.
*(You often see this in cults, and it is how guru’s wield control over occult members. I remember a scientology documentary I watched once where the members would say how they were controlled by the intense fear. in this case it was magnified by occult narratives that said they would be taken to a dark place in their minds and trapped there never to get out. This terrified them and kept them under control and unable to get out. Rape rings or domestic abuse situations are identical to cults and those involved are held under control in exactly the same way, and just like in cults, outwardly they will say everything is fine and that they love their guru/abuser. You are in exactly the same situation Becky, never doubt it. You are unable to contact me due to the levels of fear this will trigger, which will be immense. I am your real heart connection, and so as our relationship restores this becomes more and more obvious to you. But t the same time the levels of fear will increase as they instinctively seek to sabotage our connection and keep you under control. In the cells I was thinking about this and waned to tell you that you have a river to cross, and that that river is the fear, dread, anxiety that these abusers have over you. Even if you stop seeing them, as I think you have, their inner imago’s will continue to have you under control. Stopping seeing them is like pulling the plug in a bath, the water drains but it takes time. In your case the water may be starting to drain but you have no time to waste waiting for it, you have to cross that river, and that means you have to confront these terrible inner states of dread, panic, fear. That is the importance of our bond, our connection, as it can insulate/protect both of us from that fear. In the cells I saw an image of us both crossing a river on a boat. We were huddled together wrapped in a huge fluffy duvet and I was holding a phone in one hand texting you an also another by my ear talking to you. This is the journey we are on right now. The duvet is our bond that protects us from the fear and that we both need to continue cultivating, the river is the fear we need to get through in order to be free from these tyrannical abusers, and the phones are how we stay connected mentally, not just emotionally through our hearts, and how I relate to you wisdom regarding the inner, lunar realm so you an understand what is happening, which is vital. Don’t forget that I too am oppressed by these abusers, they steal the bonds I have with you and others and leave me isolated and my life blighted. they also generate terrific levels of fear and terror top keep me away and which I have also to overcome. My energy body is also constantly under attack and I have also to deal with this, though as yet I haven’t explained this side of things to you. That image I had also suggested we would be in touch by phone, which gave me a boost of hope.)
So I have to eat my lunch now and then I will do a few other things on the internet before heading home. It’s been great to connect with you again, and to tell you what happened. It’s not over for me yet as I still have the sentencing to get through and the possibility f prison. I’m not fussed about the conviction, I’ve got bloody loads of them so it doesnl;t matter, but ong to prison would be a deth sentence for me, so I have to do everything I can to stop that.
Please do not contact Stacey on my behalf. That is a condition of my bail that I do not contact her or any of her family, nor that I get anyone else to contact her on my behalf. If that is breached then I will be taken into custody again, so please do not contact her at all. I mean technically you can contact her as that is your own business but do not do so on my behalf or in relation to this case.
I’ll check in with you again when I get home by text, and will aim to update this page every day or two with some words as I am limited on the Nokia phone in how much I can write.
being in the police cells really brought home how much you mean to me, and how much I miss you, and how much I love you and care about you. I felt that you too were also coming to a greater realisation of this connection.
Love
Sonny xx
Monday 6th October 2025:
Hey I’ve posted two video messages. The first one is on anarchist praxis and the second short one is just a song that I forgot to sing in the first video (click on the links below if the YouTube videos don’t play):
As usual, if the YouTube links don’t work then click on the google drive links below. If the video player does not pop up just refresh the screen or download the video file.
Anarchist Praxis: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1auMmxtZkJvTNmggoVJY9AKGnHj2I_5ee/view?usp=sharing
Song (Close to You): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CMMHZ4Rkzh3Nlu_ZtpGEOHiSyH-_4-Kw/view?usp=sharing
Friday 26th September 2025:
Video message:
If the above YouTube embed doesn’t work due to copyright use this link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fFwjOs0T31Rs2aUJrJHjbmaFZIdodGnb/view?usp=sharing
Friday 19th September 2025:
My imediate thoughts on returning from the Lancaster visit:
If the above YouTube embed doesn’t work due to copyright use this link:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pvgJB07Zb2VVUBBoaRiLGM8dQvazrE5e/view?usp=sharing
Tuesday 16th September 2025:
A video message ahead of my visit in two days time:
If the above YouTube embed doesn’t work due to copyright use this link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KQ3SumB21Z083cOb0rOaDpMSRyPYvRz0/view?usp=sharing
Monday 8th September 2025:
As well as the two videos below I’ve also written you a brief letter about my coming to Lancaster next week: click here to download letter.
Sunday 7th September 2025:
I’ve done two 1 hr videos. If you’re going to watch only one then watch the second one as the first one is just me chatting away whereas the second is an important recap of where we are at.
In the first video toward the latter part I share some pictures and videos for 10mins but forgot to share the screen so you can’t see them, you can just see me talking about them. Oops, apololgies for that.
Lunar Eclipse September 2025 Part 1:
Lunar Eclipse September 2025 Part 2
The YouTube videos might not play because there was copyright content in them, in which case you can click on the links below:
Part 1: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qV1jqCq08lQ2qSlIAcijHBV73FT0fYxu/view?usp=drive_link
Part 2: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gHM4xYI6j3YjLnii_fusMgEc_2a1mPfh/view?usp=drive_link
Sunday 25th August 2025:
As well as the video message I also wrote a letter for you: August New Moon letter
Video message:
Sunday 10th August 2025:
I wrote a short 1-page letter as I forgot to mention a couple of things in the video message: August Full Moon letter
August Full Moon Video Message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1whAN5Yrc-jrZ_M07O1crhMai175olpHn/view?usp=sharing
Thursday 31st July 2025:
Saturday 26th July 2025:
July New Moon Video Message:
Friday 25th July 2025:
A 10min tour of my flat and surrounds: https://drive.google.com/file/d/13Yhu_vv8he_yD3pJ0QFKPpxDYdR4qz4n/view?usp=sharing
Sunday 20th July 2025:
Musical Interlude No 2:
Friday 11th July 2025:
Video message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GGesCzdylxMWaGb8MMkfmCqM46PSL0ad/view?usp=sharing
Tuesday 8th July 2025:
Musical Interlude:
Saturday 6th July 2025:
I’d like to invite you to take another look a this as I feel you may understand much better its importance, and think again about getting involved in organising with me: https://social-change.org.uk/Workshops/
Video message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yIF6LJTtkeKBCdkXeZJZRef2JiRr1aTO/view?usp=sharing
Sunday 29th June 2025:
Wednesday 25th June 2025:
Video message: https://youtu.be/teiHISArn_E
Tuesday 17th June 2025:
Video message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1i-_ZW7tYAF0XrI5RMJqkk2sK8WpCiI6l/view?usp=sharing
Saturday 14th June 2025:
Friday 13th June 2025:
Gdrive link to Stacey video message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pA5d1apKAa3dqDKfFSxQU-rafQPiHX1R/view?usp=sharing
Thursday 12th June 2025:
Gdrive link to video message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SE1NL7G9EGkvcaIFiltG7VdzIIkpvLWM/view?usp=sharing
Tuesday 11th June 2025:
Gdrive link to video message to Sharon: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IzcNlF4cwQaMVwTdYE96YTG3_gxdBQdx/view?usp=sharing
Wednesday 4th June 2025:
YouTibe link to video message: https://youtu.be/CNxQ-JxcSr0
Sunday 1st June 2025:
A recent walk I did: Bishopston Valley
YouTube link to video message: https://youtu.be/oKY9vuK1HK0
Wednesday 28th May 2025:
Video Message: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qra6OT3HhIv3oJad1ARNjxVm-PKMvDr5/view?usp=sharing
Wednesday 21st May 2025: Sun-Uranus-Saturn Conjunction
Tues 30th April 2025: April New Moon
Tuesday 15th Aril 2025: Venus-Saturn-North Node
Friday 4th April 2025: Venus-Mercury-Neptune-North Node
Thursday 18th March 2025: Between Eclipses
Tuesday 4th March 2025: Rebecca-Ceres-New Moon
Monday 24th February 2025: Pen y Grug
Monday 17th February 2025: Shadow Work
Tuesday 4th February 2025: Neptune North Node
Tuesday 29th January 2025: Veganism In-Groups
Friday 17th January 2025: Feminism
Thursday 2nd Jan 2025: Behaviour Change
Thursday 26th December 2024: New Year 2025
Friday 20th December 2024: In-Groups
Wednesday 11th December 2024: Love
Tuesday 3rd December 2024: Net Zero
Thursday 21st November 2024: Fan Nedd
Saturday 26th October 2024: Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Page 4.
Early Letters (date unknown):
Mountain Walks
Poems
